When I became a military spouse I expected there to be hard times. “We” had joined during war time, in a career field that had a high op-tempo. I knew that. We weren’t that far from family and I have always been a fiercely independent sort of gal. So what’s the worse that could happen? Little did I know that my heart would be thrown into despair and sadness that I had a never before experienced. Circumstances beyond my control, and new life experiences that I had not expected would throw my heart for a loop.
Struggling with my heart to this day I turned to a bible study that I’m currently doing.
Jesus, the One & Only has been such an amazing study for me right now. If you’ve never done a Beth Moore study I can’t recommend them enough. In fact, this is my second time doing this particular one and here it is speaking directly to my soul. As I opened up the book for the day this verse jumped out at me: “When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, ‘Don’t cry.’ Luke 7:13. I was crying and it was ridiculous. But he cares whether or not I’m crying and that is anything but ridiculous. You know that feeling though. You don’t want to be that girl that says, “hey, my husband is deployed give me a pass!” But at the same time you kind of want to be like, “hey, my husband is deployed so give me a break.” It’s one of those things that I feel like I should wear on a t-shirt or tattoo on my forehead. Guys, I’m sorry!! I’m the kind of girl that locks her keys in her car three times in one week. It’s amazing how different a deployment can be each time, no matter how experienced you are. The children’s age, the time of year, external stressors all play a factor in how it all goes each time.
I don’t have to time to prepare my heart because I am guarding my children’s, trying to prepare theirs. As they’ve grown older the gaping hole their deployed daddy has left in their heart is more apparent these days. The day is a succession of deep breaths and eyes turned upward, “Please Lord, give me strength.” He will I know he will, but I have to let him first.
One’s heart is a funny little thing. Shore it up, protect it, tell it that this is only temporary but yet it still breaks. My partner, who makes life easier isn’t here with me and despite having some of the best support I’ve ever hard, it doesn’t take the place of having him here with me. Being a classic, “girl who takes on too much,” having my partner around to bare that load with me is something that I try not to take for grated but inevitably do when I take on too much.
So, I read my books, stick to my bible study and quiet time as much as possible, take lots of deep breaths and pray. Pray a lot. While I’m terrible at asking for help, with each one I feel like I’m getting better. God has placed these people in my life and I know that I can’t do this on my own. This is just one of my MilSpouse story. Do you have one? How do you prepare your heart?