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depression, military life, military spouse

The Lonliness of Being a Military Spouse

August 12, 2017 2 Comments

I’m coming up on my thirteenth year as a military spouse, almost fifteen as a military “significant other”. It’s a milestone on both parts, and it really cool and makes me very happy. But there’s something else that lingers. In the back of mind, as I go through the day it sits there weighing heavy on my heart. It creeps up in the quietness of the evening and is even hidden in the laughter of my children. It’s loneliness. There’s so much I would tell that me, thirteen years ago. Then again, maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe it was something she had to learn along the way.

I am so proud of being a military spouse. I’m proud of my husband and his career. It’s a unique one, full of a lot traveling and long hours. Unpredictability is par for the course and for as long as we’ve been together that is how it has been. There’s never been a 9 to 5 or days off you can predict. I’ve never not known loneliness, from the moment I got back from my honeymoon. Dealing with it has been sometimes good, and sometimes very bad. Thrown in depression and anxiety and sometimes its been down right horrendous. Its the thing about this life that you can’t really explain; and its even harder to be mad at the job when the job is to protect our country and the lives of other service members. Sometimes I wish he’d simply travel for some kind of regular job. Then at least I could channel my anger at something. It’s not his fault and he’s doing something I really admire. He selflessly gives of himself, but sometimes I just don’t freaking care!

I wish I could say that I simply pray, read the Bible, do my devotional and I’m able to shake these feelings. While I will honestly say that I don’t know how people go through life without God, sometimes I wish I’d let him help me more through this. But this is the secret price of being a military spouse. Its the one that you think just comes with the territory and its not big deal. He or she is gone, you miss them, you’re sad. You remember your friend, the military spouse. Think about her while their service member is gone. You invite them for a playdate or over for dinner. You give them an extra squeeze when you see them. But after they’ve gone home and they are alone in the quiet, what then? I’d rather take the kids out for errands, cook dinner and do all the cleaning then sit in my house alone one more night. Sometimes I want to kick the wall, throw a plate and scream at the top of my lungs….all at the same time.

That’s the part I ask that you remember. The quiet nights alone. After awhile its not nice to be alone, have control over the tv and stay up. So I take a deep breath, shed a few tears and search my bookcase for nice story about true love to lose myself in.

So if you are a military spouse, I’m thinking of you in the quiet hours of my evening. I sending you love during those particularly difficult times of the evening. And if you aren’t a military significant other, but you have some in your life, I’m asking you to think about those spouses. Take them out for a late night, have a girls night in, offer to have a slumber party. For its these quiet hours of the late night that they need you the most and they may not even realize it.

Rheanna

depression, life

When Anxiety and Depression Hits….again…

October 5, 2016 No Comments

I hate to say that once you have a struggle you always will, but it has definitely been the truth in my case. I can feel when its coming. The tears come uncontrollably and often out of out no where. I start forgetting things, picking fights with my husband over nothing and wanting to lay in bed all day. Things like eating and taking a shower become optional. But after almost ten years of living with this struggle the signs are becoming more apparent to me, and I have the strength and gumption to identify them and own them. Owning your life, and all that comes along with it, are so important to living your life well. Whatever it may be, you have to take ownership of it. Being a victim of your depression and anxiety is no way to live and I won’t stand for it for myself anymore.

My recent experiences have shown me that I don’t have time for people that contribute to that depression and anxiety. And people who continually send you into a downward spiral…whether that be online or in person, deserve no place in your life. Holding on to them desperately because of the guilt you think you’ll have by cutting them out of your life is nothing in comparison to the anxiety you will keep inside you by keeping them there. And once you own and acknowledge that truth, and let go of all the sadness over having to make a tough decision, a literal weight is lifted.

My more sensitive, people please, non-confrontational personality can be a good or bad thing. But isn’t that true of most of our personality traits? I’ll avoid confrontation at my own peril. And its not good for the person that you are avoiding it with, or yourself. Pretending you have no issues instead of being upfront and honest with them (whatever your reasons are) isn’t fair to them or you. So what do you do? Here’s what I do for myself…..

1) Talk immediately to my husband or a designated friend ~ find your person that can help keep you centered. Someone that lets you vent that anxiety out and won’t judge you. Whether it is depression caused by a medical issue, pregnancy, or triggered by a life event it doesn’t matter. You have to be able to safely talk about it.

2) Don’t wallow or cut yourself off ~ Usually when I’m sad I want to snuggle up and watch a movie and stay all snuggly. But when I’m going through something like this that is the very last thing I should be doing. Get up and get out! Take a walk, sit outside and read a book, go walk around somewhere.

3) Pray ~ When I’m struggling this is where I go. I usually take a deep breath and start praying wherever I am. Last time I felt it hit me and we were on our way someone. Hubby just started praying for me in the car.

4) Don’t be afraid to see a doctor – This is so attached to the stigma of depression and anxiety. Whatever is happening, don’t be afraid to go see a doctor, counselor, get some medication or whatever it is that you need. Sometimes you can’t handle it alone. This last time around, it was definitely an particular event that triggered it for me and I was able, with my hubby and friends, and my own strength put the breaks on it before it went out of control. However, three times in my life I have gone on medication and was able to eventually stop taking it. I’m a huge believer in medication. Sometimes your brain needs a reset to get over the hump. I have never had a struggle with becoming addicted or having a relapse the moment that I stopped taking it. And while I know everyone’s experience is different, and I am NOT a doctor, I want to be the voice that stands up and says “DON’T BE ASHAMED!!!”

Are you struggling? Don’t be ashamed of that and own it!

I’m always here to hear your stories. If you want to be a voice for people suffering please email me or leave a comment. The more voices the less the stigma has a chance to grab hold and get louder.

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anxiety, depression, extrovert, life, milspouse

When You’re an Extrovert With Anxiety {Who May or May Not Be a MilSpouse}

March 28, 2016 No Comments

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you I’m an extrovert. There’s no question about it. I love to laugh, and be loud. Hanging with a crowd, going out with a group of people – it’s where I love to be. But there’s another side to be an extrovert that I’ve only recently faced head on.

When you’re the extrovert you are almost always a couple of other things…

1) You are the initiator. You are frequently the planner, the organizer. The desire to go out and be around people drives you to pull others along with you. You value the time out and you recognize how important it can be to not only yourself, but to others as well.

2) You Reach Out. You typically make the phone calls, write the texts and send the emails. When you are feeling alone or miss people you text, call, poke, bug and annoy! Even though we do this naturally, and usually love it, it can be hard to keep this going.

There’s another side to those things that I struggle with – trying to balance the ‘Extrovert’ in me with the realities of my struggles with depression and anxiety.

Anxiety and Depression are an Extroverts Battle too!

One of the biggest ways this manifests itself for me is the concern that my friends aren’t actually my real friends. It sounds crazy, but if you think about it it can make perfect sense. When you are the planner and the caller, the person that reaches out, it isn’t very often that someone needs to do that to you. Most likely you are beating them to the punch. But then there are days and weeks, or even months, that go by without hearing from someone because YOU haven’t been the one to call them. You think, “does this person even like me?” It’s a combination of factors that has led you to this point. When I’m anxious or overwhelmed I draw in to myself, I don’t talk about it, and I don’t ask for help. Thus the downward spiral begins. I stop calling, stop texting and therefore I become more isolated. No one is calling me, because I’m the caller! Or maybe its because they aren’t actually my friend and don’t really like me. Maybe not, but my brain can’t rationalize the difference. Sometimes I just don’t want to be the ‘caller’. But on the other hand I realize that it might not be fair to suddenly alter a relationship without telling the other person. I don’t know what its like to be an introvert, or someone that doesn’t like to talk on the phone.

If you are someone who is the ‘Reacher” you may have heard “well, I always think you’re too busy. You look like you’re so busy!” Don’t let those stop you from calling someone! I try to be the kind of person that will answer the phone quickly to acknowledge the call and say that I will return it quickly. Because you know what happens? A day turns into a week, which turns into a month. Pretty soon, its been six months and you’ve haven’t talked to that person. As an extrovert I will NEVER NEVER ever be too busy for contact…even phone or text contact. In fact I would guess that most of us literally light up and smile so big it hurts when my phone rings! The only exception came when I was suffering from some major depression.

The realities of a Milspouse Extrovert with Anxiety….

This particular part of my life can really accentuate my anxiety. Moving away from the ones you love, from the ones you’ve built your life around and with changes things. Whether you are an extrovert or not. I’m here to tell you, this three hour time difference is pretty crappy and is the worst!!! This has been one the single hardest things of my life, keeping relationships strong and connected. I can’t do it with facebook and instagram alone! It might be my age showing here, but I just can’t. I need a voice to go with that relationship; and I refuse to let my busy life get in the way of what fills my love jar {have you read a Love Languages book?}. My depression that kicked in with my last move was all-consuming. Even I, the queen of the extroverts, didn’t pick up the phone. I knew it was a lot to ask to not have people not give up on me, after months of not picking up the phone. But I beg of you, if you find yourself in this situation, keep calling them.

So, what can you do as an Extrovert in this situation? I don’t really know or have the answers. I’m going through this right now and this is the first time I’ve talked about it; navigating these waters for the first time. But I will say this one thing…

Communicate. I think as women, whether we are moms or not, we know how to talk. We talk about our feelings and frustrations. But are we really communicating? I would argue we aren’t. As a self-proclaimed expert in emotions and sensitivity I am terrible at communicating. I never ask for help, I never tell someone that I’m struggling until its zero hour and I’ve forgotten two things for the meeting we are at and I’m bawling as I race home in my car for the SECOND time to get it. I walk back in and I’ve fixed my face having not expressed my feelings or how I’m struggling. It’s not good. Admitting your struggles doesn’t make you weak!

From the perspective of an extrovert, what can you do

when your extrovert isn’t quite themselves?

1. Call them now!!! Something is probably up. If you haven’t had a major falling out, they aren’t sick or something along those lines, then something is right. When an extrovert isn’t being an extrovert something is not right.

2. Get out of your comfort zone. You might not be extrovert and you rely on these extroverted friends of yours to get you out of the house. Well, you might have to step out of your comfort zone.

3. But what if I’m a mom and they’re a mom and the kids are running around crazy!!! I feel like these are the people that need someone calling them the most, and you need to talk the most! Our kids are our lives, and our husbands are important, but self-care is also important. As a military spouse I also rely on my legacy of friendship to get me through those times I feel isolated. When I’m in between friendships, or developing new ones, or just long for the “good old days.” Those long time friends, despite how much you talk to them, end up being the most valuable things you have in your lives. Don’t forget about those people.

I hope this blog post touches someone, speaks to someone, or someone that is feeling this same way is validated by reading this. Are you struggling with this same feeling? How do you cope with them? If you are a military spouse feeling this way contact Military One Source. It was one of the best decisions I made. Please contact me as well, anytime!!

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Chevy Salutes, depression, Find New Roads, military, milspouse

4 Ways of Taking Care of You ~ MilSpouse, Mom and Woman #FindNewRoads

May 20, 2015 No Comments

Along the road of becoming a milspouse, having children and navigating our somewhat unique and different military life there have been times where I have lost my way. Its easy to do no matter who you are or where you’re going. I not alone either but it wasn’t until I started talking about my own “lost moments” did I realize it. It was then I realized that talking about it with my friends, family, fellow milspouses was something that was important to me.

After having my first children, almost nine years ago {whoa!} I suffered from some pretty gnarly post-partum depression. So bad that I didn’t even realize it was happening, which isn’t an uncommon story. You get caught up in living your life to the best of your ability, living in survival mode, that you can’t think straight. Since that time I have been to therapy {thank you military one source – free counseling and completely secure}, been through two rounds of medication and have been better for it. So how did I do it, and what is my road map for the future?

1) Stay Vigilant ~ As much as you are able, be aware of yourself. Take stock of your emotions and feelings. I was able to do this the second time around, when I began to notice myself not responding to text messages and not picking up the phone for people. After we moved and Mr. Air Force’s schedule proved to be way busier than either of us had expected, it was extremely difficult. We were farther away then we had ever been from family and despite my extrovert personality it proved to be too much.

{photo credit: Jessica DelVecchio Photography}

2) Be Honest ~ This is for you and for others. who are the people in your life that you trust? Identify them and talk to them. These are the people that tell you, “hey man, I think you’re depressed,” or “Something is up, you’re not acting like you’re normal self.” They need to be able to say it to you openly and honestly, and more than once; probably fifty times to be more specific. You aren’t off the hook here, you have to honest with yourself too. Sometimes you can’t do it all, and without getting to politically incorrect, or correct {i can never tell which}, we can’t do everything and we can’t do it all! This is particularly true if we are by ourselves. Recognize that about yourself. For me, it meant saying no to things when I knew I would be the most stressed or alone. This was huge for me, but I finally learned how to do it.

3) Find Your Thing ~ This has been something that has been particularly important for me. Mine has been this blog, writing and advocacy. It also happens to include super fun and frivolous things like buying way too much yarn and crocheting all night, inviting girlfriends over to watch Pretty In Pink and Top Gun, and binge watching Gilmore Girls for the fifty-millionith time. For some of my fellow milspouses its a career. They make it happen for them in whatever way they can, be it daycare, work from home, telecommute, whatever! Make it a priority, no matter what. If you’re like me and can’t fathom the idea of paying for childcare, its not in the budget, or have a husband whose career is just not conducive to outside work regularly, find other moms to trade with, create a co-op of sorts. Trust me, you won’t regret it!

4) Support and Education ~ This seems self-explanatory, but is important enough for its own number! One of the things we do when we first move somewhere is find a church. Now this may not be for you, but for those that do attend church I can’t stress how important it is to get plugged in ASAP! We typically don’t have a standard unit or squadron, with a welcome wagon and spouses of my husband’s co-workers waiting to be my ready-made friends. Sometimes it sucks! Finding a church usually leads to finding a bible study, a mom’s group and fellowship. Its a life saver every time! Volunteering outside of the home for a military group or in your child’s school is another good way to get this done. The educate part comes by reading up on what is out there. Groups like Military Spouses of Strength really focus on support and education of depression. Military Spouse Advocacy Network is working on growing a significant network of local spouse advocates who empower and strengthen through in person connections, as well as webinars and online support. Up top I have compiled an almost ridiculous grouping of support and resource links! You can also contact me at any time and I can point you in the right direction, answers questions, give support or advice!

However you get down the road in life, make sure you do with support, friends, your spouse, family (whether biological or not) and education! You are never alone in this crazy world and it will making navigating those new roads all that much easier.

Companies like Chevy also want to make navigating those crazy military life roads even better for you! That’s why I’m proud to partner with them for this Military Support Month in their #ChevySalutes campaign, which includes their amazing military discount program. Chevy also allows to add that onto other amazing military discount programs, like that of USAA. And remember how I talked about finding what you love? Maybe that includes work? GM has partnered with Hiring Our Heroes (which is an organization I love!), working on initiatives that will enable a smooth transition for returning veterans. Currently GM employes nearly 5,000 veterans and close to 45,000 retirees. How amazing is that? You can find GM attending some of the hiring fairs, put on my HOH, which are some of the best veteran/military spouse hiring fairs I’ve ever attended.

Make sure to stop by the Twitter party coming up!!

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Chevrolet via MSB New Media. The opinions and text are all mine.

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Deployment, depression, Me, military, milspouse

My Deployment Cycle….

March 26, 2014 No Comments

Faced with more time separated from my Airman I began noticing patterns in my behavior. My extreme highs and lows are finally under semi-control. What I can tell you about that is if you are at all feeling even the slightest bit out of control, if you decide to be truly honest with yourself, get help. There’s no shame in it. This life is hard enough without feeling extra out of control. But I’ve noticed I go along a specific pattern each time. The first week or two is spent keeping myself ridiciulously busy. On any given day you can find me cleaning, organizing, throwing/give away bags and bags of junk. I might even make a trip or two to Ikea in an effort to please my Deployment OCD self. Each time he leaves this is my pattern. No matter the length of trip and each time he goes this is what I do. The next week or two is spent not sleeping, which inevitably leads to me becoming sick. I’ve become too busy taking care of everything and everyone but myself, no wonder I get sick. My body be like, “woman, slow down!!! Do I have to make you sick to slow you down because I’ll do it!” And it does, so there you go.

Recognizing something and admiting it is a problem is the first step in recovery right? I mean, I realize in the grand scheme of things this isn’t a huge problem, or an addiction, but it is affecting me for sure. My body is telling me something, and whether I want to pay attention or not its going to do what it wants. And like most moms and women I never ask for help. I’m the first to offer it or give it (totally not tooting my own horn here, but you get what I mean), but asking for it is hard. Its almost as if I equate it with weakness, with not being able to handle all the things in my life I feel like I”m supposed to. But we are designed to have a help-mate, someone who stands by us and lifts us up. Mine just happens to not be here all the dang time. So I need to fill that in with people who clearly love and care about me, who offer help. I need to take it when its offerred. So after going back in my mind I’ve come up with a possible solution (or at least a new path to try) to the current cycle I go through.

1. Take it easy!

this has to be important! This time setst the tone for the entire separation (at least for me). Don’t try to organize or purge the whole house in the first week. Do leave the house every day, dragging your kids everywhere. Just be! Read a book, paint your nails, doing silly things with the kids. Get out that craft box and play! There are more fun and relaxing things to do that can keep you busy after they leave then things that will run down your body

2. Stay healthy!

While you can’t predict what horrible plague like death your child will bring home from school, you can do your part to stay healthy while you endure this separation. Keep up on those vitamins, echinacia or whatever! Get that coldeeze in there if you feel something going on. Eat healthy and find that time (see 1) to exercise. Leave the dishes in the sink and do a quick workout (find my favorite quick YouTube workouts here).

3. It’s okay to feel

Typically I like to mask my feelings. I know, so completely healthy right? Since I went so long without getting help, my emotions were crazy out of wack. So there is a part of me that wants to swing the pendulum the other way. Any emotion is bad emotion. It means I’m crazy and out of control. No way man!!! It’s okay to sad. Your parnter in crime is gone and you’re alone. This is for real and it sucks. This all goes back to number one. Keep busy so you don’t feel is my interpretaion of Keep Calm and Solider On; although I don’t think that’s what it means. It doesn’t say Keep Calm and shove your feelings so far down that eventually you crack!

Now its time to Keep Calm and Soldier On….I have to totally rewire my brain to follow a road less traveled. The one where I don’t freak out, stay healthy and enjoy some me time.

Do you do the same thing? How do you stop yourself for heading down the wrong path when you are by yourself?

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