Sometimes It Isn’t Easy….And I Probably Won’t Admit It

I play the “I’ve got it card” a lot! It’s my jam. When your spouse is gone what seems like all the darn time you get tired of saying that it’s hard. People say, “Oh that must be hard,” and you slap a smile on your face and say that you’ve got it. Thank you for your sympathy and probably sometimes your pity. When I hit that three week mark, right before the stride of our new rhythm kicks in, is when you see me. I’m probably frazzled, ordering take-out and making peanut butter and jelly because the thought of  going to grocery store actually makes me want to cry ugly tears. I probably smiled and said something like, “oh, you know we’re making it through.” Right now, one of my friend’s reading this is probably laughing hysterically because I have in fact said that to them.

Photo Credit ~ Gronde Photography

But sometimes its not easy. You tell me that its okay for me to admit its not, and I hear you, but admitting that to myself isn’t something that is easy for me to do. It’s like flood gates on a dam. Once you open them its incredibly difficult to close them. When I didn’t have children I found it much easier to be mope about, but these days its harder. I want so much for my children, for them to be happy and not be filled with worry and sadness. Their whole lives have been this way, they know nothing different. We have an open home when it comes to their father’s career. We allow them the freedom to talk about how they feel, to cry and to be angry. There is no secret when mommy is sad, but I want to give them security and peace as best that I can.

So, yes, sometimes it isn’t easy. It is very very hard. And I know its asking a lot to expect you to know that without me having to tell you….but sometimes that is how it has to be. I hate to place that burden on you as a civilian friend, or even as my another military spouse. But sometimes the thought of admitting what is really going on, or having a conversation about it is just too much to deal with.

Sometimes it isn’t easy, and I probably won’t admit it

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MilSpouse Stories: How We Do Reintegration {In 5 Easy Steps}

While we all know reintegration can sometimes be the opposite of easy, there are things that you can mentally prepare for that will make the transition as easy as possible. We recently had what felt like our one-millionth reintegration and this time around I’ve had several people ask me how we do it when he comes home. Fortunately for us Mr. Air Force and I have had a ton of experience at this, but we weren’t always this awesome at it. And while most of my advice in this particular post centers around family, reintegration without kids can be tricky in its own right. A lot of the stories and advice work for both situations.

Reintegration is tough, ask any MilSpouse. I’ve found myself struggling with making sure I find the balance between letting them feel like they are a part of the family directly and not putting too much pressure on them. For the spouse that has been at home, me, I’ve gotten into a routine. I’ve filled the role of both parents, of house fixer, boo boo kisser, bedtime story reader and all that other stuff that is usually split up between two people. I find myself taking over and doing things that he would normally do…or doing nothing in the hopes that he will step in and do it. Neither of which is probably fair for either one of us. I am a lucky girl though. I have a spouse who comes home and realizes that we’ve been going on without him, that I’ve been doing a lot, that the kids have chores and routines that he might have forgotten or not realized. He always asks how things are going, and what their chores and routines are. This is something that has evolved over our the years in our marriage, something we’ve really worked on. We’ve learned a lot over the last fourteen years and hopefully what we’ve experienced can help someone who reads this.

1. Don’t Rush It
We’ve done it both ways, rushed and not rushed, and taking it slow when you need to is the way the to go. There are times that we’ve really needed it, and times that we’ve picked up right where we’ve  we left off without so much as a hiccup.  Leaving the next day for a family vacation, even if its just the a quiet one, might not be the greatest of ideas. And while having a Welcome Home party is a fun idea, overwhelming your service member with a large group of people directly after they arrive home, might be best saved for a couple days down the line. But just like everyone does deployment different, everyone does reintegration different.
“Give yourself time to readjust as a family/couple BEFORE inviting extended family and friends for an extended visit or long weekend stay. Having additional moving wheels in your new dynamic can really set things back. I would include parents and siblings in this guideline.  The deployed parent is playing catch-up with childhood milestones, the kids are trying to navigate the new normal while keeping up in school, and the non-deployed parent is just trying to hold it all together.”
Don’t rush things. You all have changed and experienced different emotions, joys and challenges and it will take time to find your new normal. Just make sure that your expectations are realistic, and most of all be patient with each other. Things may not be like before and that’s ok.
Judy – The Direction Diva


photo credit: Gronde Photography

2. Routine
In my own personal life this has been key. The excitement of having a parent home when they’ve been gone a lot for the kids, and myself too. And while sticking with the standard routine can be complicated sometimes when you are introducing a parent in who hasn’t been a part of the routine or doesn’t know the changes in routine well, its a good thing for kids. Resilient as MilKids are, the structure that is found in a routine is so important for them. This is why I have learned how important it is to keep the deployed service member aware of the routine through your normal conversations. It keeps them connected and feeling involved while they are gone, and can only help with the reintegration process when they return.
 I’ve (slowly) learned that the key for our family is routine. It’s bewildering for my husband to come home and be dumped into the routine we figured out. His unfamiliarity with daily activities makes him uncomfortable, frustrates and confuses our son, and puts me on edge (often unreasonably). Our last deployment I had the surprising effective idea to put a small dry erase board on the fridge with our daily schedule Every morning, if there was anything different or unusual going on, I would write it at the bottom. I also emailed that schedule to him before he came home. It wasn’t a hard and fast rule – just an outline of how our day normally ran. What time munchkin needed to be in the bathtub in order to get to bed on time, etc. It totally changed reintegration for us. There will always be adjustment, but keeping communication open (especially non-confrontational channels is always a good idea. This time, I also insisted on taking some time for myself, and setting aside some time just for our son and I, even right after he came home.
3. Expectation
Expectations can be all over the place and it is important to talk about them and acknowledge them. What are you excited about, what are you worried about, what do they want and what do you want. If there are children involved, sometimes they aren’t as excited for the return of their parent as much as you might hope. This is something I’ve experienced myself. My husband was so incredibly sweet and patient with our littlest one. Its important that they know it isn’t them and don’t take it personally.
The hardest thing for us is my husband and the kids. {My husband} was gone six of my son’s first year (2 three month deps) and also away for his birth so they’ve had a lot of trouble connecting. Basically {he} wanted nothing to do with him and it broke his heart. So we eased into him being home, accepting that it would take time for {our son} to fully accept him. I’ve had to really reassure my husband that it will take some time and they’ll be best friends before he knows it. Fortunately our daughter adores him so it’s never an issue for her when he returns.
~ Anonymous MilSpouse~
4. Time as a couple
Especially important, and almost always forced to the back burner when you have children, is the importance reconnecting as a couple. I’ve noticed as the kids get older and become more aware of the realities when Daddy is gone, the focus switches almost entirely to them. It is sometimes a good thing because I am so focused on helping them through this that I don’t have time to dwell on my sadness. The flipside of that is if I ignore myself entirely for too long I end of freaking out over something tiny. So inevitably when they come home the kids want to command all of the attention, which is understandable. Date nights are important all the time, but after a long separation they should be a priority. Even if its a stay at home date night, setting apart time to do something special is so key to a successful reintegration.
Take time to spend time together but also take time to spend time apart. Jumping from being apart all the time to being together all the time can be challenging at times. Scheduling some alone time can help. I also find that scheduling things for us to look forward to doing together is helpful. It helps if we get out and do things instead of simply staying around the house all the time. They’re kind of like “dates” to help us reconnect.

5. Help them play catch up
Especially when your service member is gone for a year, there is so much they can feel like they missed. And sometimes a themed care-package doesn’t quite cut it. I’ve seen people delay taking down Christmas if the arrival of their service member is close to Christmas, or wait altogether. Back in the day when you used VHS to record things, I recorded all sorts of silly and ridiculous things that my husband missed during a year long stint. That was a commitment! To this day I record tons of things and we have almost nightly date nights playing catch up on all that he missed. To involve your kids, have them keep a deployment journal with pictures or written entries if they are older. It will be so much fun to look through with their parent.
 I also keep a folder of random things from during his deployment he can look through when he gets a chance (or when he can’t sleep). It has notes I made, or cards that came in the mail, funny things I read and thought of him, etc. Last deployment he was gone over Christmas so I had a big pile of Christmas cards for him. I think it helps make him feel “caught up” on what he missed while he was away.
Tara ~ An Aiming High Wife



photo credit: Gronde Photography

learn about reintegration tips and more in this new book!
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MilSpouse Stories – The Deployment Boyfriend

Continuing on with the MilSpouse Stories series I wanted to talk about something most military spouses will get when they see the title….”Deployment Boyfriend.”  Don’t worry, its nothing sinister or scandalous. In fact, with most of my friends its a running joke. You might have heard the term, “surrogate spouse,” or heard Army wives giggle while talking about their ‘Jody’.

Well, my deployment boyfriend isn’t a guy, or even a surrogate spouse in the form of one of my best girlfriends (they just stay my best girlfriends). No, my deployment is in fact many boyfriends and ones that sing. They’re the boys of country music and they sing to me whenever I want.

Music has always been connected to my soul. All of my emotions are wrapped up in music, and it wouldn’t be a rare occurrence for a song to bring tears to my eyes. So for me, I turn to music in times of separation from my husband, usually romantic ones or happy, fun ones. The last time around it was the boys of country music – Luke Bryan, Cole Swindell, Sam Hunt, Thomas Rhett, and the list goes on. They cheered me up, made me cry, made me sentimental and romantic feelings. For some people its movies, and books…or maybe its their crafts or going out. Everyone has things that keep them busy or preoccupied. For me, its my escape, my happy place. One might say I get a little obsessed, but sometimes you just need to get away from it all during these times. The overwhelming aspects of facing many months alone is at times daunting, no matter how many times you’ve done it. I consider myself to be an expert at it, but that doesn’t mean I handle it with expertise every time. The other day I was watching the CMAs, and Luke Bryan was accepting his entertainer of the year award. I got a little teary as he thanked his wife for sticking by him as he goes out touring for months and months on end. Granted, he’s not deployed at war, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t miss him like  miss my husband. And here she is sharing him with the whole world and countless ridiculous female fans, like myself. The music gets me through the rough times, and I think its only fair to thank those that make a small sacrifice to share their talents with the rest of the world right?

Music is the very essence of many people’s souls. They get it, it speaks to them. And sure the people who are giving it to us are celebrities, make tons of money, get to go to fancy parties and have a status that puts them in the limelight. But they bring music to us, and that’s awesome. Its part of our parties, weddings, road trips and funerals. Our favorite movies usually have amazing soundtracks that draw emotions out of us, without us even realizing it.

So thank you country boys (and your wives and families), for giving me the music that helps me get through the tough times and happy times. Thanks for being my “deployment boyfriend.”

My Current Deployment Boyfriend Play List

1. Luke Bryan – Strip it Down
2. Luke Bryan – Home Alone Tonight
3. Chase Rise – Gonna Wanna Tonight
4. Chris Young – I’m Coming Over
5. Cole Swindell – A Dozen Roses and a Six-Pack
6. Sam Hunt – Cop Car
7. Sam Hunt – Come Over (acoustic ep)
8. Thomas Rhett – Playing with fire
9. Lee Brice – I don’t Dance
10. Michael Ray – Somewhere South
11. Jason Aldean – Burnin’ It Down
12. Cole Swindell – Hope You Get Lonely Tonight
13. Cannan Smith – Love You Like That

what gets you through the tough times?
do you have a deployment boyfriend?

Check out this amazing new book, written by Spouse for Spouses!

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