A couple weeks ago I was volunteering at an event and I was half-listening, half-paying attention to the people I was there to help, and half-partaking in the conversation. My sweet beautiful friend was talking about her hubby and his impending deployment. It was a conversation I have heard come from my mouth and the mouth of many of my friends. We wish they could just leave. We could have this beautiful end and then snap they would be gone and we wouldn’t have this dreaded preparation time, the dreaded goodbye. If you are a milspouse, or mil-anything – girlfriend, fiance’, boyfriend….you know that that time is really hard. Quite frankly it sucks a lot. Its tense and sad. Its an anxious time, pre-deployment; and I feel like it will never end. We usually fight a little more, I tend to be a little more emotional. I know the feeling of just wanting to wake up and just have him be gone. Throw kids in the mix and well, it just gets harder. You want to be in control for them. It’s a kindredness that seems to erase years of getting to know someone, building a friendship. Not many people can come into your life and you feel as if you practically already know them. The hard part of the military life is leaving so many friends, so frequently. The great part of military life is finding them wherever you may go.
So, when I was in the car the other day, and heard Maroon 5’s newest release “Daylight” I couldn’t stop the tears. Have you heard the words to this song?
Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast
This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep
‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away
And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close
It’s exactly everything I think, what I feel, and what my friend was saying to us. I have no idea what the lyrics were meant to reflect, but as I kept listening it was all I could do to not crumple up and full up ugly cry!
Here I am staring, at your perfection in my arms; so beautiful.
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burnin’ out.
Somebody slow it down.
This is way too hard, ‘cuz I know when the sun comes up I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memories
I want him to leave with amazing memories. To remember me as the strong and proud woman I am, not an anxious, picking fights, blubbering girly girl that can’t hack it. I don’t want him to worry about me, or the kids. I want to be strong, I have to be strong. But, I also know that sometimes you can’t be all of those things. It’s okay. The reality of it is sometimes too much to bear. It’s important to let you have the moments of realness. When all you want to do is watch a sappy movie, curl up with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and let the tears fall.
To all my girls going through something, especially to the three in my life right now, its okay to let yourself go. Its okay to want him to just be gone. You are in my thoughts every day. I keep a little post-it note on my bedroom mirror with your names. It reminds me of the connection, to think outside myself, and remind myself that I’m not alone You are not alone in this, in those thoughts, in the need to feel strong and brave. Most importantly its okay to be none of those things. I love you ladies! Cheers to you…fighting this deployment. You are not alone.
And if you feel like it, here’s Maroon 5’s video of Daylight, with Playing for Change Musicians